If you put that much effort into the wrong one, think about how amazing and effortless it will be when you have the right one.
I don't talk about my past relationships much, or at least in the most obvious ways. Probably because most of that subject is still a mystery even to myself. Half sided understanding and communication never served a couple.
So for everyone who thinks I hate people in relationships, or I attempt to talk anyone out of them, you have no idea who I truly am or what I stand for.
I don't want to make this a super long post right now, but let me say this:
If you love someone with a mental illness, I get it. As people claim, "you are not your illness." I get it - the person you fell in love with, isn't the person that comes out at times. Or even most of the time, but you know they're there. And once you fall, it's hard to leave even if you know it's an impossible ending. I get it.
If you are someone with a mental illness who loves someone, I want you to know that we know you are still capable of love. We know that you don't want the feelings you have, the struggles, the pain, the worthlessness. We know that you want what's best for us and you feel that you aren't it. But we want you to know that we love you for that, and we think you are strong. We know you are still human. We know who you are as a person without the illness and you can always shine through. Keep reaching for that light.
I loved someone with a mix of mental conditions, but it was an impossible ending. No, I didn't quit or give up on them. I overstayed for years and always tried. Tried until it would've killed me. But I've realized the reason why I loved them wasn't only because they had characteristics I wished I had more of, but because they were emotionally lower than I was and it allowed me to take care of someone else. It allowed my worthlessness to not feel so worthless when they were good and showed me that I too, was capable of being loved. It also showed me some part of what I don't want, or won't put up with. What I don't deserve.
In the end, my "love" could never be enough. It was more of an enablement. I chased him down the rabbit hole, I rode the rollercoaster every high and low, I made excuses to others for his attitude and demeaning ways towards me. I wanted to think I made an impact in his life so much that change would happen. That one day, the medication would work and his therapy would bring so much clarity that he would be OK.
But I was lost too. The hero couldn't be saved if the one drowning didn't care to save themselves, first.
I always felt guilty, but there was literally nothing more I could do. It wasn't a relationship. It was a search and rescue mission for someone who didn't want to be found. So, what eventually happens when loved ones never get an answer to a missing person? Hold out hope they one day return, or accept that they're probably dead. I prayed to God to let me accept that they were dead, in my heart. It was the only way that brought me peace to move on with my life.
So if you're reading this and resonate with any of it, I understand and I'm not saying you should turn your back or anything. Only you can make those choices. What I am saying is to always work on yourself first, and always make sure they are trying too. Most of their decisions towards a relationship won't be logical or clear, but like anyone else, you will know if they are being genuine. But don't get sucked into guilt because of the condition - the real person underneath surely understands if it's not really working out and wants you to be happy too.
I still hear people say, "When you know, you just know." I'm still very much skeptical of this, but what I do know is I learned a lot from my past relationships and I'm grateful for the lessons I carry with me. Wherever they are, I hope they have found whatever they were looking for, and they have accepted who they truly are with peace and compassion.
Don't get mad because it happened rather, be happy because now you have space to accept the right one, with the right needs and motives in tact. Seek what you actually deserve, never settle for less than that 💛
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