I don't want walls like the rest of the world; I want a turnstile.
I've built up a lot of walls in my lifetime, but the biggest reason I broke them down is because what you don't realize when you're consistently down is, putting up walls will not only keep out the bad, but they also keep out the good.
Technically, walls are built so certain things cannot get through and break down the structure, right?
So then, if I put figurative walls up around myself, how can I expect anything or anyone good to reach me?
Walls are meant to secure something for safety, not out of any sort of convenience for me.
They don't care about my feelings or what's happening around me.
Once they're built, I (nor anyone) just can't move them out of the way and put them back again whenever I want.
At that point, I was blocking my own blessings.
Any chance of attaining genuine healing and happiness.
Sure, I may have seen glimmers of "goodness" from time to time, but overall, I still couldn't accept that as "good enough" to realize all the ways others treated me, wasn't a real reflection of myself...
I couldn't "save" them: They needed to want to be saved.
I said and did so many things: They didn't want to listen or see.
I genuinely loved them: They didn't truly care about me, so they didn't genuinely love me.
I couldn't let them fail: They didn't want to succeed.
At that point, I felt like I was on this never-ending rollercoaster, more with others' twisted thoughts, drama, and emotions, than my own.
However, I put and kept myself in those situations, and everything else that seemed to go wrong in following, was "typical."
So, the only answer that made sense was to get tough and build up those walls.
That would show the world they shouldn't mess with me.
I'm sure I was obnoxious.
But man, I was nowhere near happy, tired, and exhausted with feeling bad.
No, I did not want to be in a competition to see who's more miserable in life.
That is the one thing I will allow myself to lose at.
It is not a gold medal I strive for.
What happened next?
I needed a sledgehammer to demolish those walls completely and allow myself to go through the hard.
The hard, repressed emotions of guilt that shouldn't have belonged to me, worthlessness, self-doubt, rejection, and broken trust.
And only then would I have the space to be fully open and accepting of any goodness that is actually meant for me.
However, all the things I have already gone through, aren't for nothing.
They are all lessons learned.
It's life - I lived it, and I learned from it.
Sure, I learned late, but what I truly needed was boundaries.
Since a boundary is simply defined as a limit, you have the choice of what comes in or what stays out.
Just like a turnstile, which is a revolving mechanical gate that allows entry foot by foot, or one person at a time.
The owner of the turnstile has the right to lock and unlock the gate at any moment, based on preset boundaries.
Again, I can't tear down a wall and rebuild it just for the next situation - I'm either in them or they don't or no longer exist.
Mine no longer exists.
I choose to take the risk.
Go outside the "safety wall zone," to sit with and go through the hard.
Removing all that is no longer meant for me or part of the life I continue to build.
Rather, continuously making space for all of the blessings, goodness, and genuine happiness that comes my way.
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