I definitely dig the version of "Lovely" from Lauren Babic and Jordan Radvansky more than Billie Eilish and Khalid. Don't @ me. I feel like it's edgier and the song needs it, because well, I'm an edgy girl haha. The original version is cool don't get me wrong, but I have to be in the right mood for that style, y'know?
"Thought I found a way
Thought I found a way out (found)
But you never go away (never go away)
So I guess I gotta stay now
Oh, I hope someday I'll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near
Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear
Isn't it lovely? All alone
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone
Hello, welcome home
Walking out of time
Looking for a better place (looking for a better place)
Something's on my mind
Always in my head space
But I know someday I'll make it out of here
Even if it takes all night or a hundred years
Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near
Wanna feel alive outside I can't fight my fear"
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I know this song is a few years old now, but I actually just heard this version for the 1st time on an anime clip (again, don't @ me haha). Seeing this, mixed with the version of "Lovely" I guess, got to me in some way. Obviously, it was masking something else and pulled it out in this moment. I suddenly felt this sensation in my heart, as it started beating super quick and I got teary eyed. The overall feeling I had was that something is coming, or I need to take some kind of action, but I don't know what, right this moment what either could be. Or maybe, it's a release from something I've been holding onto for a long time. As if confirmation of doing the right thing, realigning to the proper path in a spiritual sense...
I've had moments like this in the past and I had associated it as a negative thing, because it would happen right before that fun time of the month, so then people would assume it's hormones in overdrive. Or that I was having a panic attack. And for that, they felt kind of terrible. They always made me cry as if someone had died, just took everything out of me. I couldn't shake the feeling, so I would end up texting friends asking them if they were OK, or if something was happening. It usually freaked them out, because something would happen a couple of days later.
I'm sure most of you reading this are thinking that I was having some sort of stressful mental breakdown like a panic attack, but I assure you that's not it. Back then, it would last for hours whereas now, it lasts for maybe 15 minutes and then whooshes away as quickly as it hit me. Therefore, it's always been extremely hard to explain, and extremely lonely to go through. Until now.
Reflecting back and comparing how I've felt to now, I've realized the feeling of "something is coming" or "I need to do something NOW, but what is it?" urgency is almost like receiving news, and then being calm in thought while your heart is trying to figure out what to prepare for. Now, I'm not one who lets emotions run amok or primarily reacts on them. So, the fact that my heart was so shaken up, speaks loudly to me in these moments.
I've further realized through all of the accelerated progression I've made this year, how when I'm hitting the "next level," I tend to experience this type of sensation. It's like I told a friend the other day, "You fall apart, to come back together. Better, and even stronger." In these instances, it's like I need a break down just to break through. And true break throughs aren't exactly soft, cuddly and the easiest, right? It's only easier to breathe once the dust settles.
Is that what I was experiencing again, last night?
Quite possibly.
Time will tell. And I know, most people are wired nowadays to get quick answers and fixes for everything. Especially self-development and feelings. And that "fix" usually comes at the result of a broom sweeping it under a rug for many years to come.
Not anymore. I've stayed quiet and held back my feelings, thoughts, and experiences long enough. It's OK if someone thinks I'm crazy for the intuitions I have. It just makes me sad when people don't want to recognize what's actually happening and face the things that imprison them. Not me. So for now, I have shared it with one of my friends/Coaches (the fellow INFJ that I assumed would either understand or know exactly what I'm talking about through experience - I was right :), another friend, and now here, with all of you. And precedingly, I will go about my day, but should anything come to me, I will sit quietly with myself and allow whatever thoughts and feelings to process and go from there. I will definitely seek clarity in prayer, write and/or talk it all through, as needed. The biggest takeaway for me at this point, is to let it happen and acknowledge that it's OK to happen. What matters is what I choose to do with it once I receive my answers: push them to the side and neglect possibly my needs, or take them, learn from them, and act accordingly. I fully intend to do the latter.
If you've experienced this, know that you're never alone. And you're not crazy. Don't let those around you feel this way. Shut out that "noise" and seek clarity, whether with God or through positive activities that help you feel grounded, safe and think level-headedly. Also, get out of your mind and reach out to someone who provides a safe space for you to speak and think, then may be able to steer you in a positive direction.
You're OK, and you're going to be OK, I promise💛
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As always, feel free to share your experiences, thoughts, and questions below!
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