Last week I asked people if they tend to be extremely hard or get down on themselves when they miss a mark regarding their goals, and in efforts to build habits. Ten out of the ten people who answered said, "Absolutely." It's ironic when you think about it: On one hand, we are super hard on ourselves while on the other the "imposter monster" comes out. They're like siblings who compare themselves and try to be the better child for attention.
Why are we like this?
As with anything else, we must first get to the root of the issue to find out. Ask ourselves these types of questions:
Why am I putting so much pressure on myself about this? Or,
Where is this pressure coming from?
Most of the time when evaluating my own experiences and talking to others about this, we tend to feel like we are going to disappoint someone else. And when this is happening, we tend to create a narrative in our minds of what they will say or how they will react, causing us more pressure. But we must realize that pressure truly isn't from those people. Because did they really say or do those things to make us feel like we may disappoint them? Maybe once a long long time ago, but ask yourself: does that actually matter today? Or better yet, is that person even relevant to this moment? It's funny (but not really) how we have this mental spider web we are entangled in, but if we just take a moment to follow that fiber, we may find that it just ends. Or maybe that part of the web wasn't even ours to begin with, we decided one day to take it upon ourselves. If that's the case, grab a cloth and quickly wipe it away!
Because that is part of the vicious cycle within people pleasing.
Someone may have told you that you were not doing something once that was not correct or up to par, but being that we are so hard on ourselves, we let that one time stick in our brains and continue self-torturing. But I continue to encourage each of you to get out of your head - this is SO important! I guarantee that whatever you are trying to do and continue to put that pressure on yourself for, if you stop and ask anybody else what they think of it, they will say you are doing great or "couldn't have done it better myself" type of responses. Verses those naughty mental narratives the imposter monster hands out and truly don't serve us. Because at the end of the day, is it really fair for you to A) continue pressuring and torturing yourself over anything? No, this will make anything you want to do or were excited to do a burden and make you want to quit; and B) take on and assume what anybody else is thinking or would say/do towards you and then hold emotion toward them, when they aren't even aware they are involved? My friends, you are trapped inside yourself.
Quit sentencing yourself to a mental prison for trivial things.
...But you can escape.
Enter grace.
When you think of "grace," what comes to mind? For many, I'm sure they think of God's grace or mercy, as do I. Going by that, think about why that brings you comfort....
For myself, I'm always awed by the fact that God is all-encompassing of love and he wants us to do our best. But also knows we are imperfect and that's where his grace comes in, even when we ferociously condemn ourselves for a long time. Psalm 103 tells us, "As far off as the sunrise is from the sunset, So far off from us he has put our transgressions." When we mess up and tell God we are genuinely sorry, that scripture proves he doesn't hold grudges or keep a record of that mistake. Rather, he gives us mercy and lovingly says, "I understand and forgive you, try better tomorrow. Now get some sleep."
If the Almighty can do that for us, why can't we do that for ourselves, or even for others?
Whatever you are working on or doing in your life, know that you won't always hit the mark in those tasks that contribute to building habits or goals. But know that it's OK - If you don't stay in your head and create those destructive narratives that keep you trapped. The key is to always get up and keep trying. Insert everyone's favorite, Dory - "Just keep swimming!"
Now, I must disclaimer: If you are coping with depression, anxiety, any other mental health, or even a sad phase because of something happening in life, this can be harder for you. I completely acknowledge and empathize with that. I do not lie when I say that I have been there a few times. No shame in that. These moments can appear to be huge obstacles when trying to do things to better ourselves, and absolutely crush us when we feel we are fighting our hardest only to seemingly run in place.
But please remember this:
Giving yourself grace is like friendship. If you did something to a friend that was disappointing or wasn't standard, would that friend (if they are a true one) say they give you a pass, only to turn around and continue to bring it up, reminding you of that time you "failed" them? Doubtful.
Or if they genuinely gave you the pass, you wouldn't say, "Hey, thanks for the pass, I'm going to keep doing that disappointing thing or just nothing at all because I know you will always do that!" Of course not! That would be rude and completely unfriendly! Rather, you would get back on track: keep going - keep BEING a friend, keep DOING friendly things for them, and keep ACTING on that friendship. Why? Because you value them, and how they make you feel. And vice versa.
So, do just that. Value and love yourself as a friend first and find out how that makes you feel. Don't quit because it gets hard, you aren't always motivated, inspired or have the feeling of doing the things that are important. Do them simply because they are important and contribute to the most important person, you! And when you fall a little short, acknowledge it, and then try again later in the day or just start over fresh tomorrow. You have the options and control in your own life.
Stop being so hard on yourself, friends. When you learn to give yourself grace, you will learn how to roll with life and conserve energy in all facets, which will help you enjoy it while you continue to strive to do your best. That's all we can do. If you missed something today, try again tomorrow.
Just a little humor to cheer you up 😎 I know I felt this!
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If you have any thoughts, feelings, questions.... Feel free to drop em in the comments. I would love to hear from you! 💛
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